CULTIVATING PRODEPENDENCE: [ how to HEAL FROM CODEPENDENCY AND IDENTITY LOSS]
As social beings, fostering healthy relationships is essential to our wellness and survival. Association of any form, may it be romantic, platonic, friendship or familial, have to be nurtured, for the affinity that is built- through these connections gives us a sense of identity and purpose of existence.
Attachment is considered as the foundation of all human relationships and is the basis in developing trust, reciprocity, and subsequent bonds throughout a person’s life.
The primary determinants of attachment are nurturance and responsiveness. This shows that the quality of care provided to us as individuals during our earliest connections affects the relationship style we eventually build as we further interact and explore the world.
There are five major relationship styles in the relationship continuum, namely: Independent, Dependent, Interdependent, Counter dependent, and Codependent. And while many people develop healthy attachments, others learn to depend on those around them for their identity and self-esteem needs.
PRODEPENDENCE AND THE CALL FOR CHANGE
In our fight for holistic health, the social aspect of our lives should never be overlooked. A healthy and strong relationship style is what we should strive for. One that is based on mutual respect and trust, not power and control.
However, the development of codependent behaviors and tendencies appears to be inevitable for some people, and the biggest question reveals itself: Are codependent individuals capable of change?
Prodependence then comes into the picture; Offering hope and acceptance as the main answer for recovery. It is an innovative approach that seems to challenge the cultural practice of negatively labeling victims and survivors of codependency or any form of addiction.
A CLOSER LOOK ON PRODEPENDENCE AND CODEPENDENCY
Codependency is a relationship style that indicates an unhealthy balance of need and support. It is often referred to as “Relationship Addiction” because people who have this characteristic style form relationships that are dysfunctional, unilateral, emotionally destructive, and/or abusive.
An individual who falls under the codependent relationship style relies on the other in meeting all of their self-esteem and emotional needs. Their self-worth comes solely from sacrificing themselves for their partners. Codependent behavior also includes enabling the partner to maintain irresponsible, addictive, or underachieving behavior.
Although it is difficult to determine the prevalence of the different relationship styles, studies show that an alarming 90 percent of the American population demonstrates codependent behavior.
Codependency generally leads to the neglect of personal needs, poor health, low self-esteem, depression, and other mental and physical consequences, and it can even be the culprit to losing connection with oneself.
The hope for change and recovery is rooted in the fact that codependent tendency is a learned behavior, indicating that it is something we can unlearn and recover from.
In the process of recovery, a new path in addiction healthcare has been unlocked. This is called the Prodependency Approach and it is intended to improve the way we treat victims and survivors, as well as the loved ones of codependents. We offer them dignity for their suffering rather than blame for the problem.
Codependence can be redirected into the healthiest relationship style. This is the paradigm that Prodepency Approach holds, and to further understand this, Let’s look at the path we need to take in the fight against codependence.
THE ROAD TO RECOVERY
The Five major steps in redirecting Codependence to Prodependence:
1. RECOGNIZE AND ACCEPT
As with any form of addiction, the toughest step towards recovery is the very first one: Recognizing and Accepting that we have a problem and deciding to make a change.
The challenge comes from normal human responses such as denial and fear that surface in our consciousness as we strive for change. However, these constant obstacles make it even more worth the fight, for it will make us realize that if we have the strength and courage to carry that burden upon ourselves for so long, then we have the same strength to break free from it.
Honesty, Self-love, and Non-judgemental Self-assessment are the vital tools we can use in creating a door for healing.
Recognizing our relationship style and educating ourselves about the skills and beliefs that produce healthy relationships is also part of our recovery, and we can use it as our anchor in the voyage ahead of us.
As with any form of addiction, the toughest step towards recovery is the very first one: Recognizing and Accepting that we have a problem and deciding to make a change.
The challenge comes from normal human responses such as denial and fear that surface in our consciousness as we strive for change. However, these constant obstacles make it even more worth the fight, for it will make us realize that if we have the strength and courage to carry that burden upon ourselves for so long, then we have the same strength to break free from it.
Honesty, Self-love, and Non-judgemental Self-assessment are the vital tools we can use in creating a door for healing.
Recognizing our relationship style and educating ourselves about the skills and beliefs that produce healthy relationships is also part of our recovery, and we can use it as our anchor in the voyage ahead of us.
2. BROADEN PERSPECTIVE
Once we decide to take massive action and start the journey to recovery, the second step to take is to widen our knowledge on codependency and the ideal relationships we should foster.
During this stage, the fears, doubts, and inhibitions we feel may prove itself to be daunting. To avoid feeling discouraged by the changes we’re aiming at, we need to educate ourselves about codependency. We should understand the skills and beliefs that produce healthy relationships for us to have a clear vision of where we want to go.
To know more and understand the differences between Codependent and Authentic Relationship, Let’s look at the representation that was adapted from the CoDA Booklet: Common Threads of Codependency.
3. CREATE REALISTIC GOALS
After recognizing the need for change and widening our perspective of the problem, envisioning realistic goals is the next step we must undergo. In this stage, we must learn to trust the process and be kind to ourselves. Discipline, Willingness, and Belief in our self, these are the keys that will make our recovery possible.
Love addiction manifests itself in different ways. Some people experience an uncontrollable and unhealthy pursuit of perfect love, but for many, it becomes their coping mechanism. Codependent individuals escape their imperfect reality by turning to others for affirmation, thereby losing their self-identity in the process.
Our goals for treatment should include establishing healthy relationships, setting appropriate boundaries, and developing healthy patterns and coping skills. It is also important for us to start assessing and begin treating childhood traumas as the underlying causes of love addiction are complex and are often rooted in early life experiences. The prominent contributing factors of codependency are:
- Childhood neglect or abandonment
- Rejection
- Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse
These contributing factors are necessary for assessing our goals for recovery. Although it will not be that easy to recover from childhood traumas, showing compassion to the child inside us, now locked into a pattern that we can’t break out from, can help us be at peace with our past.
One way to do this is to break free from all the hatred that we have and understand that the people who had hurt us in the past, were also trapped within their own cage of agony. If we can set free that small, frightened child within us, with the key of compassion, we are not only setting ourselves free but also those who have hurt us.
Being at peace with ourselves and our past can be one of the most empowering parts of recovery. It will unlock all the possibilities for our healing.
4. EXPLORE OPTIONS AND FIND SUPPORT
There are various options that we can take in recovering from codependency. We can start by evaluating what particular treatment plan will work for us. During this stage, we should understand that being unique individuals, each of us has our own way of coping and possesses different pacing in the recovery process. What worked for others may not work for us and vice versa.
In cases where anxiety exists, meditation and cultivating self-love can regenerate the focus back to the individuals who are suffering, while allowing them to build self-worth and clarity. Replacing bad habits with new and healthy ones like journal/diary writing, involving oneself with sports, having healthier eating and sleeping habits, also help lessen the anxiety that codependents usually experience.
In dealing with trauma, Therapies in inpatient facilities are also helpful in understanding and recognizing the unhealthy patterns we developed from our childhood or adulthood that can impact our unhealthy patterns of behavior.
Psychosocial Interventions such as Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, Psychodynamic Psychotherapy, and Supportive Psychotherapy help clients uncover, accept, and move beyond their conditions.
Regardless of what treatment program we choose, we will need support and help throughout our recovery journey. It is beneficial to speak with our family and friends about our decision and ask them for their support. It is also vital for us to find someone who we can confide, and be honest with. It can be a mental health professional, a family member, or a friend.
Prodependency Approach is utilized to make the recovery process bearable and successful both for the victims and their families or support group. In this approach, there is no shaming or blaming, no sense of being wrong, and no language of judgment toward the victim and the loved ones. Instead, there is recognition for effort and a room for acceptance and healing.
5. STRIVE FOR PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION
The fifth and final step of the recovery process requires discipline, determination and a great sense of self-love, for it will be a lifelong battle. It is in this stage where codependent individuals are encouraged to strive for progress and not perfection. For it is in progress and not perfection where we are allowed to move at a pace that is comfortable and realistic, making the recovery process attainable and successful.
There isn’t a perfect recovery plan nor a shortcut for recovery. Like all things in life, recovery is a journey, not a destination.
Relapse is a common part of the recovery process for any form of addiction, and while the mistakes we commit can be frustrating and discouraging, it is a great opportunity for us to learn from it, to identify the triggers, and to correct our treatment course. We should not let our failures interfere with our journey to recovery, because these are present to provide a learning experience.
Mistakes are necessary for our recovery, without these there would be no wisdom gained. Our mistakes and the lessons we learn from them make us smarter, wiser, and more resilient. If we skip these flaws, we’d skip the valuable lessons and lose the chance to feel human and real.
Recovery is realistically feasible, and is never out of reach; No matter how hopeless our situation may seem or how many times we’ve tried, and failed, with our willingness coupled with the right treatment and support, change is always possible.
“Forgiving yourself, believing in yourself and choosing to love yourself are the best gifts one could receive.”
– Brittany Burgunder
TAKEAWAY:
In our journey towards holistic well-being, one of the hardest challenges that we will face is our unhealthy relationship styles. Understanding the importance of how we set up our relationships is vital in our overall wellness.
Codependency, a condition that happens when we lose ourselves while focusing on others and neglecting our own needs, affects 90% of the American population, making it a great contributor to our global social health status.
However, there is a chance for recovery and change for people who are willing to take it, and they can successfully do this only if they allow themselves to go along the long process of healing.
Long-standing patterns take time and effort to change. We have to reassess our relationship patterns and get to know ourselves as individuals in need of help and support.
Taking the path of recovery through self-exploration and personal growth is vital in strengthening individuals and society. Recognizing the inherent flaws and deficiency of some codependency treatment programs, the Prodependency Approach was formulated for the treatment of victims of codependency and their families.
Prodependence sees the act of loving and supporting a person suffering from any form of addiction, an indicator of healthy attachment. It encourages clients and support groups to celebrate the natural and healthy human need to develop and maintain intimate connections and to provide firm and uninterrupted support to loved ones even in the face of addiction or other life issues.
Throughout this long and challenging journey towards recovery, we should realize that we are all capable of change. As long as we give ourselves compassion and patience, and allow room for growth and change without feeling threatened, recovery is possible.
There are a lot of ways of redirecting codependence to healthier relationship styles, one of which is identifying codependent thoughts, behaviors, and feelings and replacing them with empowering alternatives. This will in turn, lead us to a healthier and happier life.
Once we learn to value our own happiness, we’ll be able to build the life we deserve. The beauty of our existence is that we have the freedom to write our own story. If we’re not happy with how our chapter has been going, we can always grab the pen, write and begin again. We should bear in mind that as the main characters of our story, we possess the power and courage we never realized we had. We are the warriors of our legend, the heroes of our own myth!
“The journey towards self-discovery and transformation begins with one unsure – but determined- step.”
– Wonder Women Mastery
WONDER WOMEN MASTERY SUPPORTS THE WORLDWIDE MOVEMENT OF RAISING AWARENESS AND ADVOCATING FOR HOLISTIC WELL-BEING.
Wonder Women Mastery is a global community where women feel free to be powerful. Sign up for our Wonder Women Mastery and be involved in our Wonder Women Network. We will provide on-demand support. So whenever a challenge arises in your life or business, We’ve got your back! Don’t worry, we hate spam messages just as much as you! We promise our courses will be the opposite – Are you in? Click here to subscribe!